07/17 to present

I want to move on, I think it’s time I did. I keep trying to be angry, to tap into the rage that used to fill my notebooks, my bedrooms, that filled the streets in a cacophony. 

The time for rage has passed, I can claim my life back, the life I thought I’d lost to you was never lost. You didn’t take anything from me except the hours we spent together. 

I never stopped living, I never stopped breathing, I continued to love. I saw the world in your shadow but I saw the world nonetheless. 

You became a part of me, whilst you were out there living your own life, free of consequence, your ugly phantom took home in the pit of my stomach.

I want to move on, a fragment of my mind is living a groundhog day, pulled from place to place. It wanders the same set of streets, in a perpetual maze. 

For years I would walk that route everyday, it’s a habit hard to break and sometimes I find myself in a particular spot again, and again. I realise too late and my mind is filled with you.

I want to forgive you, but do you deserve it? Did I deserve what you did? You told me so yourself that I did.

Maybe I cannot make the world, or you, feel my pain, maybe telling everyone what you did serves no purpose other than to justify my own hurt. 

I hope you’ve changed, I hope you love someone, I hope that someone loves you. I hope that your love is no longer cruel, I hope you are nothing I knew you to be.  

I want revenge, the perfect outcome to prove to you my pain. But I am tired, so tired, of this constant death, an unfair death because I am alive, and I never stopped living even for a second despite it all despite how much it killed me again and again and again. 

I am not giving up, I am not failing, I tried for justice and gained nothing more than cold shame, I cannot hold on to you any longer because you are not worth holding on to. I want to hold on to myself, don’t I at least deserve that? To be held and loved if not by you then at least by me? 

I want to put this to rest. No more resurrections, it’s time to kill the thing in the maze and exorcise the phantom in my stomach. 

I want to move on, I want to move on, it is time to move on.