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03.03.26
The weather has changed so suddenly, two weeks ago it was freezing cold, grey, icy, just grim in general. Since last week it's been sunny and warm, a true false spring that feels more like a false summer. What makes it so strange is that none of the green has begun to show on the trees yet, so they look strange against the lurid blue sky, especially in the warm.
My mind feels like it hasn't caught up yet, part of me enjoyed the ritual of layering, and I felt protected from the elements and the world underneath all the clothing. Part of me isn't ready for spring, or the year to come around, for time to go on. Things in winter were taking shape, I was working towards things. I started my transition, I did all the German levels I set out to, I finished projects and portfolios I did everything I said I would. And now the year is moving along I realise I need to go through with everything I've set in motion, the future feels less daunting when you're only considering it and suddenly it's here.
The change in season just makes me think of change more broadly, how it doesn't seem to end ever. I was saying to D that where I am now is exactly where I wanted to be for so long, that this is incredible in itself. But there's always part that wants more, that compares. It's strange, the image of the future self always seems to have what they want, and have things figured out. I just want my life to move, I want to grab it and make it all mine.
02.03.26
I'm truly enamoured with this song. A few days ago I was trying to remember what it was, all I could remember was the part where it sounds like she was saying Downtown. At my birthday though D told us this was his favourite song, and I realised it was the one I had been looking for.
It makes me feel like my head is rushing, as though my whole mind is running up a great hill, bursting out onto a landscape that stretches far beneath me. Today at work I listened to it whilst I had a cig after I finished, the sun was setting and the sunset turned a cloud into a giant pink jellyfish that glided across the sky.
In other news, I am now 28. I'd like to share more of my thoughts and what I do on here, it's free and it's mine, I don't have anything to compare it to. Instagram is so limiting in terms of what and how I can share things I enjoy, even if no one sees this it's some kind of record for myself.
The photo was taken in the mountains of San Luis Potosi in 2024.
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